A person, who shall remain anonymous, told me once that they had every right to give (unsolicited) advice, make purchases that they deemed necessary, and show up unannounced at their family members' home, sometimes with food, while they were pregnant. The pregnancy recipient of all this attention and visitation was not a fan and felt so uncomfortable voicing her concerns because her husband didn't seem to have a problem with it. She was so fearful to come off as ungrateful and unloving that she put up with it all the way to the delivery room when she was adamant about who could and could not be in the room. By then, the person who gave so much time, food, effort, and in their mind, wisdom, to this loved one they were completely astonished and hurt they weren't invited to witness and assist the birth and it made for one awkward meeting post birth. Nobody who's just given birth needs the pressure to fix a relationship or deal with the negativity at that moment. It definitely stole from the moment that was supposed to be pure bliss and peace.
What could have prevented this? What could the pregnant couple have done or said to set boundaries with this person who was just trying to love on the expectant parents? What should this person have done before taking liberties to show up at the pregnant couple's home and give unapproved/unasked for things?
Address The Issue
If you’re pregnant and are already receiving some “pop-in’s” from family members and loved ones and you want it to either stop or become less frequent, you need to shut it down NOW. The people closest to us have the most potential to hurt us. If it’s an in-law, your partner needs to talk to them because it's their family. If it’s your family, you take charge. Perfectly reasonable, right? How do we communicate our wants and needs in a loving way?
Look at their life and upbringing. Where are they coming from? Have they experienced any traumas or were raised in an unconventional way that has led them to believe this behavior is acceptable? Are these behaviors and actions part of their culture and tradition? Or are they being manipulative and unreasonable? Once you understand that, you and your partner can make a game plan.
Acknowledge Their Efforts
Take this person to a common ground, comfortable, meeting place where you can discuss these things. Begin by acknowledging their efforts and love. Show gratitude for the fact that they want to be involved. Refrain from using the word “but”! Nothing stings more than being told, “We love you so much and are grateful for the food and gifts, BUT, you’re encroaching on our privacy.” That “but” erases all good intentions you’ve already stated and it has now become a "back off” vibe conversation. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of those! Instead, express your love for them and the joy you share for the arrival of the new baby. State everything they have done for you: the gifts, visits, food, advice, etc... They are valued and appreciated! If they have had children, ask them what they needed. What was done for them? Did they appreciate or want it? Then be completely honest about what you need. Do you need some alone time to decompress? When you are so absolutely exhausted and need a nap (or just need a break from them) ask if they’d mind running a couple errands for you so you can get some sleep.
Tell Them What You Need
Does this person show love in the form of food? Tell them what you’ve been craving and a meal you really miss but haven’t had the energy to cook or bake.
If they’re showering you with gifts that aren’t exactly your style or something you need, show them a registry of what you want.
Chances are if they are doing a lot, saying a lot, and giving a lot, it’s because they need to feel needed and given a job. Organize your words with love and tell them the truth. Tell them what you need, not what you don’t.
In the end, you will want this person in your corner and this is what it means to have a village!
