“I'm calling bullsh*t on the whole thing. Pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my emotions. Gar-bear, I'm sorry. All I want to do is punch you in the face! But I love you so much so I don't mean it!”
- Wendy, What to Expect When You’re Expecting
This scene in the 2012 movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting always cracks me up!
When I saw this, my firstborn was 1 year old and all those experiences and emotions were still very fresh. Pregnancy IS really hard! And, during this delicate and colossal life change, marriages are truly tested.
I spoke with many women about their experiences and, after combining them with my own, I’ve separated the minor struggles of pregnancy from the more major obstacles that truly test the strength of relationships.
Minor Obstacles
Cravings
Sometimes you crave a new food you normally wouldn't prefer. Or it's a weird combo of foods that would make a non-pregnant person turn green. And sometimes, it’s food you want to eat every day and can’t get enough of! This is when the partners/spouses need to learn to eat it without complaints or fend for themselves. Sorry, not sorry. Not much compromise here. If you want Mexican food every day, go for it.
Nesting
It can be really hard for a partner to watch you lifting heavy things, moving furniture around, and painting. But we’re nesting! I know you want to do it because you’re the only one who will do it the right way and right now (definitely me), but ask your partner to help you! Maybe you feel confident moving these things without hurting yourself or your baby, but you’re hurting your partner's eyes and egos. They’re already helpless in watching you go through it all. So, let them participate and give them grace on how they do it.
Sickness and Resentment
So many odors are amplified, perhaps even your partners! The way they chew, smell, and the noises they make might disgust you now that all your senses are heightened. Let me clear any doubt or confusion you have and tell you right now ... they have no idea they're abhorrent creatures. It's not their fault! So, tell them kindly and deliver in Banks fashion, “Your nose breath straight up repulses me and I need to love you from over there.”
Baby Names
This topic is stressful. I had my top three favorite names for my son and my husband shut down all of them in seconds because he knew someone he didn't like with that name. I cannot convey how pissed I was. I didn’t know those people! We eventually found a name we both loved and agreed on, but it was a mountain to climb. Just keep the line of communication open and keep working together. You will find a name you both like!
Major Obstacles
Spending Money
This is a fragile subject and a huge cause of contention. Babies are expensive, and, don't forget, mama is growing too and needs supplies. All of this adds up and can make partners flinch when they see the bill. If you know you're strapped for cash, don’t be shy and make a registry for yourself and your baby. Your coworkers and loved ones will help you! There’s no shame in borrowing maternity clothes from friends or shopping at consignment. All major expenses need to be discussed between partners because no one likes to be on the receiving end of the surprise discovery of hundreds spent on the card! Let’s be considerate and smart.
Spending Time
I'm going to generalize and say that most men are fixers. My man had no idea what to do and it wasn't for lack of trying. He couldn't fix my nausea, constant vomiting, or exhaustion, but he could be nearby. I could reach out and there was his hand. If your spouse/partner naturally leans towards fleeing in a ”fight or flight” situation, you have to communicate what you need! Never assume they’ll already know you need their time.
Feeling Spent
Pregnancy is a solid ten months to get mentally and emotionally ready. But not for the partners who are just watching us grow into ballooned Violet Beauregarde. My OBGYN in Boston commanded my husband's attention at an appointment and said, “Do you know what’s happening to your wife? You see outward physical changes, but did you know every cell in her body is changing to grow your child? Including her brain chemistry? Did you know she and your baby are connected on a very sacred and emotional level and everything a mother feels, baby also feels? How are you making her feel? She feels alone in this journey because it's her body. Value and cherish her and your child will also feel cherished.” It was never smooth sailing, but we were definitely more honest and kinder.
Dare I say, with communication and understanding you will not only maintain a healthy relationship, you will also grow closer while preparing for your child. You've got this!
