I get it; you are out of time or money for a childbirth education course, and now your partner has you googling, trying to find knowledge on how to support them, and you found yourself here! Don't worry; although I cannot physically put all of the information from a childbirth education course in this article, I will do my best to provide the most research and information on supporting your partner on this great day ahead of you. I am glad you are here. This is already one decisive step in the right direction.
If you have a little bit more time leading up to the sacred birthday, I would love to recommend the book The Birth Partner. It is an easy read, has excellent tips and tricks, and will give you the confidence that you need to go into this important time of life. But if you are out of time and the hour is now, here are some of my best tricks of the trade and things you need to know about supporting your partner as they birth your baby into the world.
Trust Yourself
First, I recommend that you trust your knowledge of your partner and know them well. You have likely cared for your partner in illness and sadness before. No, neither of those situations are as powerful or complex as childbirth, but they did give you some good practice. If there are things your partner likes when under the weather, those things will typically be helpful in labor. I have seen partners give the best massages and back rubs, offer words of wisdom and funny antidotes that only they could have access to, and even hold space while holding their partner's hand during each contraction. Yes, it can be as simple as that. Simply showing up and not complaining goes a long way when supporting your partner during their birthing time.
Know Your Partner's Love Languages
If you know your partner's love languages, these will also typically show up in childbirth. Someone who desires touch will likely want more of that while they labor. That being said, if your partner likes acts of service or words of affirmation, these will likely be important to them during this experience. Talk to your partner about how they best receive love, and you will be ahead. These things will be helpful for postpartum as well. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is how they want to be loved, not how we typically think to give love.
Be Present
During labor, your presence is everything. When I say presence, I do not just mean in the room; I do not mean napping in the bed while your partner labors; I do not mean on your phone but near; I mean present. Be there for one of the most impactful days of your partner's life.
Sometimes, all your partner needs is some good hands-on love. This can look like counter pressure, where you squeeze their hips or put pressure on their knees or lower back. It can also look like holding a hand or giving a light touch massage. It is okay if something is working and working, but then all of a sudden, it isn't. Keep moving forward and try something new. They were loving massage, now hate it? Try holding their hand or offering some words of affirmation. You will regain your footing. Try not to take it too personally.
Advocate for Your Partner & Baby
One of your most significant roles is to help with advocating for your partner and your baby. This can look like asking the provider questions about the intervention they are suggesting, asking for time if you are unsure what to do next, and staying with the baby if they need to go to the NICU. Remember, your partner has a voice, but your baby does not. If push comes to shove and they need to be separated, stick with your baby, knowing that your partner can stand up and speak for themselves.
Hold The Space
Holding space is another crucial role. Holding space can look like being in charge of text messages and phone calls or turning phones off. It can also look like asking people to leave and give space, even if this is a loving mother or the provider themselves. You can encourage your partner to labor in the bathroom or your bedroom for some moments of silence if the room feels too full and you struggle to get people to give space. Remember that during this sacred time, your partner needs peace and protection, and you can be great at providing both of these things.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
While you are there for your partner and it is primarily all about them, don't forget to take care of yourself. If you need to pee, take a pee. If you need food or water, get some nourishment. Your needs are also important and deserve to be met. This is not your excuse to take a four-hour nap, but it is not a bad idea if you can get a little rest while your partner rests or while a doula takes over for a minute. This day and these moments will be life-changing for the entire family, and your being well and cared for is crucial. Sometimes, it is hard to watch our partners go through such extensive and complex things; if you are struggling to see them go through the throws of labor, take a moment to recoup and then find your way back into space. There are ways to care for you without making it about you, and I know you will do your best to figure that out.
I have met many a nervous partner who was unsure of how to show up for their loved one during labor. There was even one who insisted their reason for hiring me was so that he could read his boat magazine in the corner. To all of our surprise, when I showed up, he provided amazing counterpressure and words of affirmation to his partner and did not stop until their baby was born. From there, he followed her to the NICU and made her voice when she did not have one. It was a beautiful reminder that although the nerves can be real, it does not take much to be the support person your partner needs.
